Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Today I woke up feeling great. Not great. I woke up feeling NOTHING! No pain. Still completely blown away by these days. Starting days without a hinderence is almost a blessing. Least I feel normal. Never would have guessed 5 years ago 'normal' would be a constant battle with a disorder no one can cure. Who wants to be normal anyway? Wasn't that the biggest fear we had during our high school days. Becoming normal. Having a generalized identity. An exact copy of the person sitting next to you on the yellow school bus, reduced to nothing more than a number. On our birth certificate, Social Insurance number, drivers license... The list goes on & on.

I love to be independant. One thing of my personality I have always enjoyed. Being able to take care of myself when needed. Now... well, what can I say? Last thing I like to do is ask for help. I would rather be sullen or grumpy till I figure out a solution to a problem. Now there is definately a lack of it. Independence & my identity. Lots of isolation but no independence. And losing my identity by leaps & bounds. Relying on everyone for... something. Always feels like I need some time of help from everyone. I shouldn't say 'feels like', I am asking for alot of help from the extremely small number people left in my life. That seems to be dwindling too.

One thing I have FINALLY decided. I am going to start from scratch. Try to forget about this being a descent. But more of a 'restart'. Only place for me to head is up. Funny how on good days my optimism towards life is incredible. I miss being like this on a daily basis. Now I will do whatever I can to get there.


There is much pain that is quite noiseless; and vibrations that make human agonies are often a mere whisper in the roar of hurrying existence. There are glances of hatred that stab and raise no cry of murder; robberies that leave man or woman for ever beggared of peace and joy, yet kept secret by the sufferer --committed to no sound except that of low moans in the night, seen in no writing except that made on the face by the slow months of suppressed anguish and early morning tears. Many an inherited sorrow that has marred a life has been breathed into no human ear.
-George Eliot

Medical terminology can cause confusion at the best of times. If there is a word you do not understand all you have to do is double-click on it and the definition will appear! Don't forget to drop me a line by email at with your comments, questions‚ recommended resources‚ concerns‚ & especially your experiences with clusters. Or come find me on my Facebook Profile to add me as a Friend. Whether you are a supporter‚ care-giver or sufferer. I would love to hear from you!

*Please do not use this information for self diagnoses. Writing about my experiences with chronic cluster headaches & epilepsy is a good outlet for me. Consult your Dr. with any kind of headache or chronic pain you may have. The 3rd party links on my site I have found to be a good resource to me over the past few years & dearly hope they will benefit you as well.*

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