Slowing Way Down

Saturday, December 04, 2004

I have been having the weirdest feelings & daydreams. Like driving fast, non-stop without the lousy city traffic lights slowing me down. Like old times. Almost a perfect metaphor for the past few years. It has come to a crawl. No more living my life with adrenaline rushes I long achingly for. Where my biggest rush is coming from a movie. Sad eh? I so desparately need something, anything to bring a spark back to my eyes. What can I do ? Sure as hell know what I can't!

In the past, before all this started, when I needed to feel a surge I would wind up at a club featuring a live band whos only purpose was to see how big of a 'pit' they could have going by nights ends. Now being a few years older, none the wiser and needing afternoon naps that is not an option.

I do miss working on my car (or any car for that matter. As long as I can to drive it) so I could bring it to & know its limit. I'm not exactly a wizard with a wratchet but I do understand how most things works & am able to modify/replace parts to help the car work optimally, even if it is only through prevention replacements. Now with cars being so 'modern' that they cannot be worked on except at a dealership it takes all the fun out of trying & testing new parts.

Trying to explain a rush to non-adrenaline junkies is almost impossible. One day I hope to 'adapt' to my new life, if the only purpose is to exist is a life. The point to my life is only getting murkier & murkier. Maybe there is no point. Maybe I am supposed to pile misery on top of misery. To see how much pain one man can endure before completely cracking.

And when does one official crack? Do they need to be in an institution? talking themselves on the street? Or just there? Not living. Not dying. Just an eating, breathing mass of use-less non-existence. Certainly is a tight-rope we all walk.

I still have a hard time remembering my past. Keep telling myself my old memories will come flooding back after a few reminders. No such luck yet. Now I sleep with a pad & pen by the bed just in case I have some sort of recollection. Maybe I am not supposed to remember my past. Granted, there are more than a couple of instances I would love to forget. However, I would gladly accept remembering them if I could remember everything else.


There is much pain that is quite noiseless; and vibrations that make human agonies are often a mere whisper in the roar of hurrying existence. There are glances of hatred that stab and raise no cry of murder; robberies that leave man or woman for ever beggared of peace and joy, yet kept secret by the sufferer --committed to no sound except that of low moans in the night, seen in no writing except that made on the face by the slow months of suppressed anguish and early morning tears. Many an inherited sorrow that has marred a life has been breathed into no human ear.
-George Eliot

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*Please do not use this information for self diagnoses. Writing about my experiences with chronic cluster headaches & epilepsy is a good outlet for me. Consult your Dr. with any kind of headache or chronic pain you may have. The 3rd party links on my site I have found to be a good resource to me over the past few years & dearly hope they will benefit you as well.*

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