A ClusterHead's Life

It's a beg for a shotgun kind of night. The pain is so intense that
nothing is stopping it. I don't know what to do. My ice packs have
dethawed, and going to the hospital is useless. That's all I need
another dr. telling me it can't be clusters because I don't respond to
oxygen therapy. Hello? Its only around 60% affective. What about the
remaining 40%? I know what they do. We get labelled as 'drug seekers' .
Interesting the all or none approach some have. I'm one of those
tricky patients:) . Never go in telling the dr. what's wrong with you
and what works. They'll keep you there as long as they can to try and
disprove you. Plus it's hard to do that when you're wanting to stick
that scalpel he's carrying into your eye to cut out the part that
hurts. Why is asking/getting relief so hard? I'm getting tired of this
and its only been a couple years. How do some do this for 40+
years. I just want a break!

The only combination that has given any sort of relief is
celexa(citalopram hydrobromide) , neurontin(gabapentin), dilantin(for
my seizures, unrelated), propranonol(Inderal), Zopiclone(Immovane, if
needed) and the duragesic patch. Without them the agony is too much. I
have crawl on my hands & knees, layed down in the middle of nowhere
after attacks from exhaustion, and beg for death(It's non-malignment so
what can you do?). With that specific combination I have something of a
so called life. However, its a love-hate relationship. I hope I can get
off them. But doing so would mean I am cluster-free. That will be a day
to celebrate.

I still have no real hope that things will get better. I can't enjoy
the little things in life like reading a book. I can't get into them at
all. An attack will occur, then another, then another and another. I
could care less about the book at that point and by then I have to
return it. Movies and music distract me somewhat. I can think of
better ways I'd like to spend the day and the night for that matter.

I guess the worst part about all this is the amnesia. I don't know if
it's blackouts or I'm too self involved. I used to increase the
pain as high as I could by drinking or smoking, etc just so I would
have blackouts from the pain being too intense for my mind to deal
with. Now it's like I just can't remember. Granted when I'm freed from
my demon I house clean, suntan, read, program or whatever else I want
to do. Basically running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
Though it never ceases to amaze me how excited I get when I have 'free
time'. I should spend more time focusing on Mindy. Sorry
dear. It's not that I don't want to. It's just freeing not to
have an icepack stuck to your face. Go figure! Love you
dear. With the end of every attack I think that this was the last
one. I enjoy life so much when I can function. Of course I get excited
then I die again for the 4th time that day.

Paul

Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them.
-Dion Boucicault



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