A lonely Saturday night

Saturday, August 28, 2004

'People talk about their chronic pain as if ratting on the other partner in an unhappy toxic marriage. They fall out with their pain, they have screaming fights with it, they make up again. Or they try to run away with some attractive little analgesic. But pain has their cell-phone number and won't let them escape. Living with chronic pain can be a grinding form of intimacy' -Marni Jackson 'Pain:The Fifth Vital Sign'

Sounds fimilar doesn't it. Pain will come no matter what you do or how hard you try to change. 'Just make the best of it' I'm told. Best of what? I can't think of any pluses to having chronic pain. Let's see. I'm alienated, irrational, can't do this, can't drink or eat that, sore, grumping, and people stop enjoying themselves when I walk in the room.

If I was able to concentrate long enough I could really make use of the time I have off work. Books and research, I love to search for more knowledge, seem to keep piling up on the 'to do' list.

Little by little every failure of things not accomplished caused by the pain, eats away at me. I don't mind failing if the screw up is my fault. These bloody headaches don't even give me a chance. I am choosing goals that a very reasonable for me to accomplish. Like writing in my blog every day. Can tell by the dates that it doesn't happen as often as it should? I make a list of things to do all the time with no pressure or expectations. But when things take over a month to complete, if completed at all, then I start to think where has all the time gone. I know, battling the demon!

I take some condolence when a project gets done. Being a perfectionist makes it hard. I like things I work on to be well done. From my point of view at least. I don't really care what others thinks. It's important to me not to do a slack-assed job. If I can look at myself in the mirror after finishing something then its a job well done. I don't ever want to be thinking I could have done more.


Our resistance and fear, our dread of the unpleasant, magnify pain. It is like closing your hand around a burning ember. The tighter you squeeze, the deeper you are seared.
-Stephen Levine, How We Die



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Medical terminology can cause confusion at the best of times. If there is a word you do not understand all you have to do is double-click on it and the definition will appear! Don't forget to drop me a line by email at versilleus@gmail.com with your comments, questions‚ recommended resources‚ concerns‚ & especially your experiences with clusters. Or come find me on my Facebook Profile to add me as a Friend. Whether you are a supporter‚ care-giver or sufferer. I would love to hear from you!

*Please do not use this information for self diagnoses. Writing about my experiences with chronic cluster headaches & epilepsy is a good outlet for me. Consult your Dr. with any kind of headache or chronic pain you may have. The 3rd party links on my site I have found to be a good resource to me over the past few years & dearly hope they will benefit you as well.*

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