Hell on Earth
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Ok, ok. I honestly thought, hoping & pleading is more like, that the clusters had ended. Permanently. But that would be too easy. Too nice. The demon has a way of toying with me, with all cluster sufferers. Last 48 hours have been some of the most intense I have ever had. I know I say that with ever attack lately but OUCH! When I tell my dr. about that they are getting worse in intensity but I'll get the usual 'Learn to live with it' speech. Today after every bout I was in La, La land. I couldn't understand the simplest things, like having a conversation. I had a hard time putting words to their meanings. It's a horrible feeling. Mindy teased me about having to agree on having a baby. Now I know that was a joke? Wasn't it dear? Please say it was. lol:) Not yet sweetie. After I am able to handle my own life then I can think about raising someone else.
I used to have attacks like this all the time. That's mainly why I was originally thought that I had migraines with aura and everything was shrugged off. I was told because of my family history of migraines thats what it was and nothing else was ever considered until it was realized that everything that is normally used to treat migraines did nothing but give me side-effects. Migraines are so dangerously under diagnosed. Fortunately,(I say fortunately because I don't have to worry about having a migraine stroke. Kills far too many people) I have clusters and two types of seizures. Grand Mal & Petit Mal. I must have had a few of the latter in the last few days to render me so disorientated. On a few prior occassions a seizure caused me to jump out of bed and run down the hall. That was a strange experience. Though they have been mostly contained thanks to Dilantin.
I think the worst part is not so much the physical pain but the mental adjustments I had, and still having to make. Like missing so much time from my life and enjoying myself with the love of others. I must be hard to love or even liked at this point. I am trying to make changes in my life. There's so much I try to cram into the times when I'm not incapacited. Time management is my biggest problem. How do I do the things I want, things others want me to do, things that need to be done and 'normal' daily living things.
I hope my blog will help me get out what I need to say and maybe others will understand what chronic clusters do to an able bodied man. As well as the emotional costs the demon puts me through. One day, hopefully soon, I'll comes to terms with it and adjust lifestyle as best I can. Though it is something that will take time, understanding and help. I worry that I won't like what I'll become. All I know is I hate what it has done to me so far. I won't let the demon win! As long as I can still keep the parts of me I like.
Paul
Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.
-Walter Anderson
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I used to have attacks like this all the time. That's mainly why I was originally thought that I had migraines with aura and everything was shrugged off. I was told because of my family history of migraines thats what it was and nothing else was ever considered until it was realized that everything that is normally used to treat migraines did nothing but give me side-effects. Migraines are so dangerously under diagnosed. Fortunately,(I say fortunately because I don't have to worry about having a migraine stroke. Kills far too many people) I have clusters and two types of seizures. Grand Mal & Petit Mal. I must have had a few of the latter in the last few days to render me so disorientated. On a few prior occassions a seizure caused me to jump out of bed and run down the hall. That was a strange experience. Though they have been mostly contained thanks to Dilantin.
I think the worst part is not so much the physical pain but the mental adjustments I had, and still having to make. Like missing so much time from my life and enjoying myself with the love of others. I must be hard to love or even liked at this point. I am trying to make changes in my life. There's so much I try to cram into the times when I'm not incapacited. Time management is my biggest problem. How do I do the things I want, things others want me to do, things that need to be done and 'normal' daily living things.
I hope my blog will help me get out what I need to say and maybe others will understand what chronic clusters do to an able bodied man. As well as the emotional costs the demon puts me through. One day, hopefully soon, I'll comes to terms with it and adjust lifestyle as best I can. Though it is something that will take time, understanding and help. I worry that I won't like what I'll become. All I know is I hate what it has done to me so far. I won't let the demon win! As long as I can still keep the parts of me I like.
Paul
Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.
-Walter Anderson
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Medical terminology can cause confusion at the best of times. If there is a word you do not understand all you have to do is double-click on it and the definition will appear! Don't forget to drop me a line by email at versilleus@gmail.com with your comments, questions‚ recommended resources‚ concerns‚ & especially your experiences with clusters. Or come find me on my Facebook Profile to add me as a Friend. Whether you are a supporter‚ care-giver or sufferer. I would love to hear from you!
*Please do not use this information for self diagnoses. Writing about my experiences with chronic cluster headaches & epilepsy is a good outlet for me. Consult your Dr. with any kind of headache or chronic pain you may have. The 3rd party links on my site I have found to be a good resource to me over the past few years & dearly hope they will benefit you as well.*
