Ever Dependent

Monday, December 12, 2005


For little over a week now, since the start of the last major cycle, I have had time to reflect on my life. That is the worst part of clusters, I think, is being trapped inside one's body and the only things to do is focus on the pain or try to think of something else. This is what gets me into trouble. Over the past 10 days or so, I have come to the realization without the aid of other I would be in big trouble and I HATE IT! For me there is nothing worse than having to rely on someone. Relying on others is the exact opposite of who I am. Before my hell began, my independence was and still is something I greatly value. I used to refuse help, quite stubbornly as I recall, when someone wanted to help me tidy my place or run my errands. I hated to go anywhere unless I was driving. What can I say I just did not trust anyone else is driving plus they drove too slowly and I make a horrible back seat driver.

Now quite the opposite is happening. I need to be driven everywhere and help is always needed, either financially or physically. A job is out of the question for now but I am doing the best I am to change that even if only for a few hours a week. The most frustrating part of all this is there is not way to completely predict or control chronic cluster headaches. Who would be willing to hire someone who will be in pain 360 out of 365 days a year, not be able to guarantee that they will be able to show up for work when scheduled or have to leave when the pain become intolerable? That would be an employer I would like to know the name of.

All I want out of my life is to achieve my personal goals on my terms without the feeling of knowing I owe someone for what I have done but rather to be able to say I did it.


You cannot dream yourself into a character;
you must hammer and forge yourself one

-James A. Froude



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Medical terminology can cause confusion at the best of times. If there is a word you do not understand all you have to do is double-click on it and the definition will appear! Don't forget to drop me a line by email at versilleus@gmail.com with your comments, questions‚ recommended resources‚ concerns‚ & especially your experiences with clusters. Or come find me on my Facebook Profile to add me as a Friend. Whether you are a supporter‚ care-giver or sufferer. I would love to hear from you!

*Please do not use this information for self diagnoses. Writing about my experiences with chronic cluster headaches & epilepsy is a good outlet for me. Consult your Dr. with any kind of headache or chronic pain you may have. The 3rd party links on my site I have found to be a good resource to me over the past few years & dearly hope they will benefit you as well.*

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