Feeling Guilty Again
Monday, December 05, 2005
Ever since the Christmas party on Saturday I have an overwhelming sense of guilt because I let my cluster headaches get in the way once again. If they only affected my night then I would not give them another thought. After all, feelings of guilt as well as causing us to be ashamed of how the pain has changed the sufferer is just another one of the lovely symptoms one can develop when in chronic pain. Feeling guilty for something I have no way to control is a horrible sense of loss of control.
Mindy has told me that it did not bother her. Maybe it does not but we have had conversations in the past where after much digging she finally gave in and told just how much the whole situation does bother her. I cannot blame her. This is certainly not the idea situation for either of us. However, we love each other and hopefully that will be enough to get us through.
Moreover, this cycle has caused me to miss more meetings. This one was for deciding what sort of retraining I would need to be able to get back into the work force, more computers I hope. The thought of going back to school excites me terribly. I hope there are programs I will be able to do at home with no timetable. Ideally, that would work out the best for my need and have the best chance of success. If the material could be handed out at the start of the semester then allow me to hand the assignments in at the end without the worry of missing class because of an attack or seizure then I would do quite well. My biggest concern is the going ahead with a program only to have to stop because the pain is too intense. That would be the scariest realization to know my life will be no more self-fulfilled on an intellectual and independent level than it already is. I will be stuck in neutral while I slowly slide back. Being able to regain my independence is a huge goal and I cannot let anything get in the way of it.
Paul
True love doesn't consist of holding hands,
it consists of holding hearts.
-Battista
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Mindy has told me that it did not bother her. Maybe it does not but we have had conversations in the past where after much digging she finally gave in and told just how much the whole situation does bother her. I cannot blame her. This is certainly not the idea situation for either of us. However, we love each other and hopefully that will be enough to get us through.
Moreover, this cycle has caused me to miss more meetings. This one was for deciding what sort of retraining I would need to be able to get back into the work force, more computers I hope. The thought of going back to school excites me terribly. I hope there are programs I will be able to do at home with no timetable. Ideally, that would work out the best for my need and have the best chance of success. If the material could be handed out at the start of the semester then allow me to hand the assignments in at the end without the worry of missing class because of an attack or seizure then I would do quite well. My biggest concern is the going ahead with a program only to have to stop because the pain is too intense. That would be the scariest realization to know my life will be no more self-fulfilled on an intellectual and independent level than it already is. I will be stuck in neutral while I slowly slide back. Being able to regain my independence is a huge goal and I cannot let anything get in the way of it.
Paul
True love doesn't consist of holding hands,
it consists of holding hearts.
-Battista
0 comments
0 Comments:
Medical terminology can cause confusion at the best of times. If there is a word you do not understand all you have to do is double-click on it and the definition will appear! Don't forget to drop me a line by email at versilleus@gmail.com with your comments, questions‚ recommended resources‚ concerns‚ & especially your experiences with clusters. Or come find me on my Facebook Profile to add me as a Friend. Whether you are a supporter‚ care-giver or sufferer. I would love to hear from you!
*Please do not use this information for self diagnoses. Writing about my experiences with chronic cluster headaches & epilepsy is a good outlet for me. Consult your Dr. with any kind of headache or chronic pain you may have. The 3rd party links on my site I have found to be a good resource to me over the past few years & dearly hope they will benefit you as well.*
