For the first time...

Saturday, July 19, 2008

With my mood down to an all time low, it reminds me of my first few months of attacks before it was known what the heck was happening to me. Now, for whatever the reason, I have become ever increasingly frustrated with aspects of 'my life'. More along the lines of wanting more than what I currently have. But most people feel the same way about various points of their lives. What I guess I am saying is that I want some sort of normalcy. An extended time without pain. Maybe being able to work, go to back to school or keeping plans just once so the guilt and frustration stops building. Definitely not the most pleasant sensation on top of the pain that I can do nothing to stop.

There certainly is an ever increasing 'Why me' syndrome building as each day passes even without an attacks. I truly hate it! Sometimes I just want to run faster and faster. Screaming louder & louder as my legs turn to jelly and my throat starts to bleed raw as the screams grow rasper from the of agony. Who knows, maybe that would work. Exercising isn't helping as much as I had hoped but the only thing to do is to keep at it. Right now, reading & writing as my main outlet. Drawing with the charcoal & pastels that my Granny picked up for me as another outlet even if it is a much smaller outlet. If I had the smallest mouse hair of artistic talent it would be kind of nice or at the very least have some idea what I was trying to put on my sketch pad. Still, it is an outlet just the same. Lucky for me I can use Photoshop.

All I want right now is to be able create something that I am good at. Currently, to learn a new skill is very, very tough. Despite scribbling mountains of notes and repeatedly re-reading a paragraph for the 40th time, nothing will sink in. Accepting that my mind no longer works as well as it once did when it comes to retaining knowledge or to think abstractly is something I have been working hard to alleviate for the past 5 to 6 years. Little by little it would seem like I lose more as each cluster cycle passes. Is this true for every cluster sufferer? One day will there will be nothing left of who I once was, who am I and what will be left of me?


Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out.
-Anton Chekhov



Hey Paul, I feel for you man. I've been away from work for two years myself, and have just been put on disability for another, so I hear where you are coming from. I have also tried to learn some new skills, or master old ones during my disability, but found it much too hard.

The one thing that helps me is gaming. I've been playing lots of boardgames, card games, etc. I find I can still take in new rules systems and play seems to calm my mind.

Hope you can power through.

All the best!

By Blogger Joachim, at 20 July 2008 at 03:32  

Thank you, Joachim. You hit the nail on the head.
I will give your suggestions a shot. I found a few video games which have helped to divert my mind off of the pain over the years. Right now I am playing Mindscape's "Brain Trainer.

As long as the game is not too loud, has flashing lights, and as you said 'calms the mind'. The added bonus of having a game I look forward to, tends help me out quite a bit for me as well.


By Blogger Versilleus, at 21 July 2008 at 14:17  

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Medical terminology can cause confusion at the best of times. If there is a word you do not understand all you have to do is double-click on it and the definition will appear! Don't forget to drop me a line by email at with your comments, questions‚ recommended resources‚ concerns‚ & especially your experiences with clusters. Or come find me on my Facebook Profile to add me as a Friend. Whether you are a supporter‚ care-giver or sufferer. I would love to hear from you!

*Please do not use this information for self diagnoses. Writing about my experiences with chronic cluster headaches & epilepsy is a good outlet for me. Consult your Dr. with any kind of headache or chronic pain you may have. The 3rd party links on my site I have found to be a good resource to me over the past few years & dearly hope they will benefit you as well.*

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