Stuck in Limbo
Friday, February 02, 2007
I apologize in advance that this post is a 'poor, pity me' post. Part of it is from the lack of proper deep sleep. Maybe with some luck pain clinic change things for the best. If things don't get better there I don't know what I'll do.
I hate to feel this way. Some days it would be nice to talk with someone is person that would hold me while I to them about this. Maybe even cry along. Ever since the 5 year anniversary of the start of the what is seemingly an never-ending cluster cycle, my mind has been full of "what if", "what next" and "why me" scenarios. In a little over 6 weeks I will hit the ripe age of 30, just having passed the supposedly peak of physical health. A huge chunk of life was and still is being taken away from me. I mean is it not 5 years of 'on and off' pain where I can at least stand on my own 2 feet from time. Maybe to be a good boyfriend, friend, employee or son. None of which I feel I am and have not really been assured otherwise.
Realistically I have become none of these. Going from someone who was general happy with 90% of life. Right on the verge of making a name for myself and being proud of who I am. All the while enjoying the scenerary the road of life was showing me. It's clichè I know but I was confident on the direction headed before me. Now 5 years are just GONE! With very little personally to show for it. I don't know what to do anymore. What direction I should I head. The realization of the likelihood of working a steady or being with someone who be general proud of a 'stay-at-home' boyfriend is not likely. If I were to work again my boss would have to be the most patient, considerate and understanding person who has ever lived.
The only thing I can think of doing is to try to find happiness in the smallest pieces. I know what your saying, "Duh! What took him so long.". To answer the question I really don't know. A lot of time and energy has been spent hoping & trying, trying & hoping to help the people I care about truly understand what I go through so they have clear inclination on where my mind and body are right now and will likely be the remainder of this life. The ones I truly care about have to, in my mind, be crystal clear on what it will take apart of each others' lives. I am likely wanting to much from my loved ones and the only way to stop the guilt I have about holding them back or making their lives' miserable is to be by myself until the demon calms down enough for me to be more than a recipient of seemingly unstoppable levels of pain.
Paul
Where would you rather be?
Anywhere but here
When will the time be right?
Anytime but now
The doubt and the fear I know
would all disappear
Anywhere but here
- Unknown
3 comments
I hate to feel this way. Some days it would be nice to talk with someone is person that would hold me while I to them about this. Maybe even cry along. Ever since the 5 year anniversary of the start of the what is seemingly an never-ending cluster cycle, my mind has been full of "what if", "what next" and "why me" scenarios. In a little over 6 weeks I will hit the ripe age of 30, just having passed the supposedly peak of physical health. A huge chunk of life was and still is being taken away from me. I mean is it not 5 years of 'on and off' pain where I can at least stand on my own 2 feet from time. Maybe to be a good boyfriend, friend, employee or son. None of which I feel I am and have not really been assured otherwise.
Realistically I have become none of these. Going from someone who was general happy with 90% of life. Right on the verge of making a name for myself and being proud of who I am. All the while enjoying the scenerary the road of life was showing me. It's clichè I know but I was confident on the direction headed before me. Now 5 years are just GONE! With very little personally to show for it. I don't know what to do anymore. What direction I should I head. The realization of the likelihood of working a steady or being with someone who be general proud of a 'stay-at-home' boyfriend is not likely. If I were to work again my boss would have to be the most patient, considerate and understanding person who has ever lived.
The only thing I can think of doing is to try to find happiness in the smallest pieces. I know what your saying, "Duh! What took him so long.". To answer the question I really don't know. A lot of time and energy has been spent hoping & trying, trying & hoping to help the people I care about truly understand what I go through so they have clear inclination on where my mind and body are right now and will likely be the remainder of this life. The ones I truly care about have to, in my mind, be crystal clear on what it will take apart of each others' lives. I am likely wanting to much from my loved ones and the only way to stop the guilt I have about holding them back or making their lives' miserable is to be by myself until the demon calms down enough for me to be more than a recipient of seemingly unstoppable levels of pain.
Paul
Where would you rather be?
Anywhere but here
When will the time be right?
Anytime but now
The doubt and the fear I know
would all disappear
Anywhere but here
- Unknown
3 comments
Medical terminology can cause confusion at the best of times. If there is a word you do not understand all you have to do is double-click on it and the definition will appear! Don't forget to drop me a line by email at versilleus@gmail.com with your comments, questions‚ recommended resources‚ concerns‚ & especially your experiences with clusters. Or come find me on my Facebook Profile to add me as a Friend. Whether you are a supporter‚ care-giver or sufferer. I would love to hear from you!
*Please do not use this information for self diagnoses. Writing about my experiences with chronic cluster headaches & epilepsy is a good outlet for me. Consult your Dr. with any kind of headache or chronic pain you may have. The 3rd party links on my site I have found to be a good resource to me over the past few years & dearly hope they will benefit you as well.*
